UnSent Letters

Because of Joy

2006-10-04T12:45:00.000+08:00

Four jobs I've had
01. field interviewer
02. some sort of an assistant
03. writer
04. marketing personnel

Four movies I can watch over and over
01. Matrix series
02. Troy
03. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
04. Titanic

Four TV shows I love to watch (damn i don't watch TV anymore)
01. Strictly Politics
02. Malcolm in the Middle
03. MacGyver
04. X Files

Four places I've been to on vacation
01. Bohol
02. Baguio
03. Nueva Vizcaya
04. Cebu

Four favorite dishes edible stuff
01. pizza
02. tortang talong with giniling
03. Rodic's tapsilog
04. white pasta

Four places I'd rather be in
01. Paris
02. Rome
03. Center Court, Wimbledon (hindi kita ginaya Joy)
04. China (where everything's huge)

Four people I'm tagging
01. Pamy
02. Sarah
03. Myra
04. Tasha

Sore sinews, Failing faith

2006-10-04T01:09:00.000+08:00

Broken heels
Blistered feet

Shattered psyche
Splintered heart

And still a "no".

God I am tired.

V.S.

2006-09-26T23:26:00.000+08:00

There's a secret path I follow
To a place no one can find
Where I'll meet my perfect someone
I've kept hidden in my mind
Where my heart makes my decisions
'Till my dream becomes a vision
And the love I feel
Makes him real someday

Am I living in illusion
Wanting something I can't see
If I compromise I'd be living lies
Pretending love's not meant to be
Cause I know my heart's worth saving
And I know that he'll be waiting
So I'll hold on
And I'll stay strong 'till then

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart
No, we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart.

V.S.

I - Resurrected

2006-09-26T22:59:00.000+08:00

Completely forgot my username in this account.

Took me several weeks to recover it.

And so here I am

About half a year later...

More frustrated than before

More realistic than real

Older

Wiser... (I think).

Spur of the moment ramblings

2006-06-29T17:50:00.000+08:00

The fact is, even if ADB, IMF, UN, or whatever heaven-sent company out there offers me my dream job right now, I will accept it without second thoughts, but a thick black cloud will always be hanging over my head, hanging around wherever I go, leaving me with doubts to my abilities as a person and further dilapidating my already shattered self esteem. I have never doubted in my capabilities as I am questioning myself now.

I’ve been living this past 12 months under this cloud and until now, I choose to crawl under the covers, wonder why, let out a deep sigh and blurt out “DAMN THIS IS FRUSTRATING!” This is rejection in one of its highest levels.

I feel I have to assess. There must be something wrong. Of the number of prospects I have been to, numerous exams and whatever’s, not one was confident enough to take me in seriously. I put myself out there each interview day, with my best foot so far forward, where I get my hopes up, only to be let down few weeks later. Something must be terribly wrong.

Is it my less-than-humble and definitely un-amazing credentials? Sure they can say that there are more qualified people than I am but it must also be true that there are also those who are less qualified than I am.

Is it my too-weak, unassuming personality? I’ve noticed how several prospects would comment how “good” or “different” I looked in my resume. How should I take that? What does that actually mean? Do they actually put this much weight on the superficial? Then maybe I should rethink if I still want to join the workforce at all.

Given these possible reasons, I just have to take this career-seeking endeavour personally. What do rejections say about me, without even considering the psychological implications that they may have on me? Even for the sake of argument what does it imply? It seems that I am simply unemployable for some freaky reason. Whatever it is, it is not going to appease me now.

In a few months or years, or whenever it is that God allows me to finally get a job even as a janitress, I will most definitely take the post and I will work hard. And it will only confirm my doubts this very moment – there must be something wrong but I can’t put a finger on it.

To Leave or Not To Leave

2006-04-27T02:25:00.000+08:00

I am seriously contemplating on leaving this job after only three and a half weeks of being here. I am not being choosy or whiny about this. In fact, I believe I have both concrete and "imagined" reasons for feeling this way.

What has this job done to me so far? Let''s see. In some ways, my grammar is a little better. Unlike before when I wouldn't mind using the wrong tense of the verb, now, I literally have to check each and every verb that I use agrees with the subject and its tense. My belly is getting bigger everyday which I honestly believe is caused by this unhealthy lifestyle. I am not imagining my enlarged stomach. I can't even blog anymore. Not only because by the time I get home I would be too tired to do so, but more because I have to stay away from computer monitors at least after 7pm cause if I don't I would puke, literally. Before blinking cursors don't bother me. Now, every blink of this damn cursor meant another second was spent unproductively, - write something damn it. There are only 2 hours, 17 freaking minutes to finish paper and I have n freaking pages to go. Consider it backlog, again? More importantly, I may be well on my way to proving to myself that indeed, I am not a writer - at least not of academic and technical papers. Which is by the way good for me so that I can move on to other career prospects out there. I'm wondering what I would tell my future job interviewers: "I left the job because I realized I am not a writer". What' s that gonna say about me?

It's not that the job is all that bad. I am working with nice and patient officemates. Nice meaning I have a two-day task backlog and my immediate superior (I wouldn't call her boss) still manages to smile at me and be extremely polite. This is despite me being too unprofessional. I am comforting myself with the excuse that I'm still adjusting, just give me more time..." Heck, until when? I myself is sometimes disgusted with my working habits. It's not that I don't do my best it's just that sometimes, it's just not enough.

How do I measure contentment in a job? Second payday for me this coming Friday. I feel I deserve what I'm getting but maybe this position does not deserve me. I am seriously thinking of letting this go before they fire me, I'll save them the trouble. After all, they wouldn't want an unproductive employee and I wouldn't want to be fired. I don't like nasty marks in my future resume.

Nutmeg

2006-04-25T02:41:00.000+08:00

I'd like to believe we still have some things in common but as it is, it seems that 10 years of growing apart has left us with nothing but shared childhood experiences. Maybe she didn't feel the same awkwardness that I felt in the middle of dead air when we talked on the phone. Unlike me, maybe she didn't have to calculate each word that she uses when she speaks to me. And I'm saying this not as if it's a bad thing. I'm just worried that time has made us two very different individuals, different from what made us click together back then. I feel her sincerity to catch up. It's always good to try to rekindle past friendships. I just fear there may not be enough thread of shared memories for us to go on. And when we realize how much different we've become, we might end up not liking each other.

I'd like to believe we still have some things in common but as it is, the one thing that prevails between us is pride. That I can admit. I can be very proud especially when I have high expectations from people. I believe my reasons for feeling aggravated by her are valid, but I don't remember hearing an apology. For a couple of months now we've been playing a who-talks-first-to-whom game and I know I can win this. Because I still feel bad. Because I had high expectations from her and she let me down. For now, despite the fact that I do want to talk to her, I am not about to call her. Because admittedly, I still feel my reasons for feeling bad still outweigh the reasons for eating my pride.

Bday morning

2006-04-24T08:49:00.000+08:00

"I'M FREE AGAIN!!!" - napakanta ako ngayong umaga nung nabasa ko yung email message na nagsasabing pinapayagan akong mag-day-off. Parang si Inday, naligo ako agad, nagpaganda, nagpabango, at nagsuot ng pinakamagarang damit. Pupunta sana ako sa Luneta para katagpuin ang boypren ko pero malayo ang Luneta at wala akong katatagpuin doon. Pupunta ako sa skul para asikasuhin ang clearance at transcript ko.

'Nak ng pating. Kinabahan ako dun. May backlog pa naman ko pero pinayagan pa rin akong mag-absent. Kasi ime-make up ko pa yun sa Saturday so parang ganun din. At least hindi ako nakaupo buong umaga, hapon at kalahati ng gabi. nakatitig sa cursor na kumikindat sakin. Buti na lang nagkaroon ako ng totoong dahilan para um-absent ngayon nang hindi nila nalalaman na birthday ko. Sana mamayang gabi may panahon pa para hindi magpuyat. Inaantok na ko, umaga pa lang.

Perfect Form

2006-02-10T02:16:00.000+08:00

Guilty pleasure.

Bandana. Mint green. Nike. Racquet. Backhand. Forehand. Melbourne. France. US. England. Switzerland. Curly hair. Eighty-eight. Twenty-four. African. German. Cool. Number 1.

*A sketch by one of his fans.

Four-hour Lunch

2006-01-24T01:05:00.000+08:00

Cause it's the first block lunch after graduation!
1-14-06

First Gentle-man

2006-01-23T04:33:00.000+08:00

All that media coverage on Manny and all that has stuck with me longer than I thought it would have is the image of the First Gentleman between Manny and Quinito, holding his phone to his ear and almost whispering to it "Te quiero mucho" amidst the noise and the celebration of the Pacquiao victory.

Of course he was talking to Gloria. It would have been the bigger story if he wasn't. Gloria was congratulating Manny through her husband's phone and that's it. My observation's nothing newsworthy really. Forget that conspiracy theory that the promoters rigged the the match in favor of Manny to secure a third match to break the 1-1 record between the two boxers, Manny and Erik. Put on hold my curses for that politician who could afford to bet 400 or so thousand dollars for Manny, the sources of funding of which we'll never know. The moment just appeals to those who have forgotten how to say the words FG said or how to take and receive them.

This is just the hopeless romantic in me reacting. How passionate can you get with a chief executive wife when you're under the watchful eyes of dissatisfied people? Say "I love you" in a more romantic language. Say it when you know you're under scrutiny of the public. Say it when it's least expected. Say it when you want to. Say it like she's the only one who can hear it. Just say it.

I love you. It's not a weight you must carry around.
I love you. It's not a box that holds you in.
I love you. It's not a standard you have to bear.
I love you. It's not a sacrifice I make.
I love you. It's not a pedestal you are frozen upon.
I love you. It's not an expectation of perfection.
I love you. It's not my life's whole purpose.
I love you. It's not your life's whole purpose.
I love you. It's not to make you change.
I love you. It's not even to make you love me.
I love you. It's as pure and simple as that.

I love you.

- Live Like You Were Dying [Nichols and Wiseman, 2004]

Rediscovering Darren

2006-01-09T01:02:00.000+08:00

Object of my LSS for days now:

Whether I'm right or wrong
There's no phrase that hits
Like an ocean needs the sand
Or a dirty old shoe that fits
And if all the world was perfect
I would only ever want to see your scars
You know they can have their universe
We'll be in the dirt designing stars

And darling you know
You make me feel so beautiful
Nowhere else in the world I wanna be
You make me feel so beautiful

Whether I'm up or down
There's no crowd to please
I'm like a faith without a clause to believe in it
And if all the world was smiling
I would only ever want to see your frown
You know they can sail away in sunsets
We'll be right here stranded on the ground
Just happy to be found

You make me feel so beautiful
Nowhere else in the world I wanna be
You make me feel so beautiful

I have lost my illusions
I have drowned in your words
I have left my confusion to a cynical world
I am throwing myself at things I don't understand

Discover enlightenment holding your hand
You are so beautiful...

-Darren Hayes

Fast Forward

2005-12-24T01:03:00.000+08:00

I fear I may be turning into such a scrooge. Blogging on the chilly dawn of 24th of December. Now what does that say about me?

That I still haven't fixed my busted biological clock. My time's still set on my thesis adviser's wristwatch, which is bad because by now she must have forgotten all about me already while I am still dwelling on the implications of the marks she gave me. O ye of little faith! Must scamper along, my dear self, if you want to go somewhere.

That I am surrounded either by workaholics or schoolaholics - and I am neither. I am at a crossroad while those around me have already made their choices. I like them as they are and I think some of them like me as I am. But because now they have their own priorities which understandably don't have to include me, the more that I feel the need to reorganize my own priorities and find that -holism that I am most comfortable pursuing. I am made to focus my energy on something that I actually like and make things happen, as opposed to watching my own dreams be made into reality by others but not myself.

That I enjoy getting drunk and high on caffeine, especially when it's free. Because I made a mistake of going to SM alone in the middle of a whole throng of rowdy shoppers, I chose to take refuge in the aromatic corners of that coffee shop, and then I splurged on cups and cups of coffee, only because I have the GC's to burn and time that I was forced to waste. Dear, I was wasting precious time on that purple couch, watching in slow motion the people passing by, while in my mind I was sorry for myself for not being able to execute my fool-proof plans on how to go about my life.

That I am not pleasantly excited but I am just so eager to get over and be done with the last two weeks of this year so that I can finally move along with my plans. Long vacations are the worst momentum-breakers. I've got this whole thing planned down to the minute detail and then comes this long two weeks. This is one of the few times in my life that a break is not welcome. I am sure I'll be eating my own words soon but I am saying this just to keep record of how irrational and impatient I can be.

Heaven forgive me for making this request but maybe what I need is a fast forward. If I'm wrong, then please slap me on the face real hard right now.

how to act dumb and still love one’s self afterwards

2005-12-09T02:14:00.000+08:00

This is a list of fail-safe ways to make a fool of one’s self in front of someone who terrorizes you with his/her mere presence:

Avoid eye contact. Even when he/she’s talking three feet away from you and it is obviously rude to focus your eyes somewhere else. Even when he/she is directly in front of you, look to his/her right, or to his/her left, then to your plate of food between the two of you. You’ll never know when your eyes will betray you, much less when his/hers will deceive you.

Keep yourself busy. This is in connection to the previous tip so there’ll be less chances of eye contact. Play with your food. Drink lots of water. Wipe the margins of your lips every so often, not only to make sure it’s clean, but also to keep yourself occupied. Remember that when you appear to be doing something, there is less pressure to say something clever.

Smile and laugh – a lot, even if there’s nothing funny at all. This minimizes the awkwardness of dead air that occurs when it’s your turn to speak and all you can say is ‘errr, yeah I know’, or ‘really? how come?’. When you don’t know what to say, just smile, pretend you know what he/she’s been monologuing about, and then laugh.

And finally, say something dumb, something that you wouldn’t even say to your mother. Say the first thing that comes in your mind when you got no choice but to open your mouth. Do not edit out your thoughts. Forget social niceties, political correctness, even grammar if need be. When you’re terrified, you wouldn’t be able to think straight anyway.

I must have done them a thousand times, it almost feels natural to me. People see me at my worst and I couldn’t care less. And then there’s the tipping point. I met someone and I no longer want to be that person who folds and freezes at the sight of someone beyond me. Thus, this is me getting a hold of myself and learning how to make peace with that person I see on the mirror everyday.

In the immortal words of my good ol’ friend Alanis:

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind.

And so with this, and with a promise I made to myself a few nights ago, I have come to a resolution that

I WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED. Never again.

my list

2005-12-06T01:25:00.000+08:00

of people to remember:

The two Miguels, Molina and Mendoza for the show of swimming butterflies [and Molina’s long black hair]

The Younghusband brothers, James and Joseph for kicking ass [literally]

Cecil Mamiit for dancing in the playing court [and defeating Andre? Still have to confirm this]

Billy Tongco for his deep digs [and his wide smile that lights up his side of the court]

Rox Pimentel for her blocks [and her chinita eyes]

Don Geisler for throwing his head gear up high [and for being 27 years old]

Japoy Lizardo for looking up at the sky [and trying hard not to look like Hero Angeles]

dream job number 99

2005-11-27T02:48:00.000+08:00

I had to go to the emergency room at 3:30 in the morning. Long story short, I'm okay now, I just have to take these bitter pills for another week. I mean it. These pills have unpleasantly funny taste, swallowing them is just half the sacrifice. It spreads in the mouth and lingers. I left the hospital two and a half hours later with more questions than ever before, as usual.

Is there any logical, medical reason why nurses take the patient's temperature from the left armpit and not the right? Is there any truth to my theory that they cannot take the blood pressure from the same arm where intravenous insertions are because blood may suddenly burst out from there? Am I making sense or is it just me and my wild thoughts?

This is one of the reasons why I dream of marrying a doctor, if this is the closest that I can get to being one of them. I have too many questions about the human anatomy and how doctors see and feel it from the inside. How do surgeons perform by-pass operations? Do they crack the ribs open and then snap them back in place afterwards? How does it feel to squeeze the heart to make it pump blood again? How do they drill holes in the skull, without harming the patient? How exactly does the live, human brain look like?

The longer I stay in that formalin-perfumed building, my dreams of working there are becoming more vivid. Even my mom did not know this about me. I have been picturing myself in that white uniform, with the stethoscope wrapped around my neck. I have seen myself in a blue or green scrubs with the white hair net and mask. I've seen my hands covered with blood even though up to now I cringe at the sight of a deep wound.

Since these thoughts have to be put away too many times, for too many valid and invalid reasons, I have been getting the high from staring at the doctors walking back and forth in the ER. They just look so immaculately clean in their suits. I've been eavesdropping in the conversations of white-uniformed med students in the FX's. I have been stalking the website of someone I hardly know, writing about his [mis]adventures as a med student. Sad but true. I've been satisfying myself seeing the fulfillment of my own dreams by other people but not me.

Reality check: Before I even come close to wearing that precious uniform, I have to struggle in school for another half a decade or so. Swallowing these pills are even harder because I did not prescribe them to myself. These pills are just so bitter, so am I.

greeting that was

2005-11-19T04:07:00.000+08:00

Now that I think about it, he is the only person in this world, of course aside from my family, who knows me since I was six and is still interested in talking to me up to now. He's like my connection to my past. He'd seen me as the skinny little girl, as I grew up with him. He'd seen me without braces. And now he's seeing me with curled lashes and painted lids. But he's just seeing me from afar. More often than not, childhood friendships are just that. They don't blossom into something deeper.

We're not really close. We're just - acquaintances. We're not even seatmates, we just belonged to the same class. Then we were not even classmates, we just attended the same school. But all that time he says 'hi' every now and then, while I am trying to think of something more to say like 'how are you?' or 'how've you been?'. Somehow I feel that was not enough.

It was his birthday last Wednesday and I was so tempted to send him a greeting. I was already formulating my message in my head. It said 'Musta na? So birthday mo pala ha? Anong balita?' I'm thinking, it wouldn't hurt to be nice to a guy who shared practically three-fourths of my life, and who is equally nice to me. But knowing my conceited yet shy self, I deleted my message just right after encoding it. Sigh. Why doesn't it feel right? Now I have to wait for next year to have the perfect excuse to say 'hi' to him again. My bad.

sniffing and going away

2005-11-13T19:00:00.000+08:00

Not been feeling well these past few days. Wednesday – sneezing . Thursday – runny nose with chilly feeling. Friday – woke up with a clogged nose. Saw some blood on the tissue I sneezed in. My temp’s up but went to UP anyway. I thought I may have Dengue and seriously considered going to the infirmary to have my blood tested. In the end I decided against it, remembering the horror stories I’ve been hearing about the clinic. Instead I just ambush interviewed everyone I knew in the college, asking them: “Alam mo ba symptoms ng Dengue? Gaano ba katagal bago mamatay yung meron? [What a question!]. I decided I may be overreacting, if not for that blood I saw. I dismissed it anyway, thinking I’ll give myself few more days to recover. Come Saturday - still chilly and with crumbly toes and knees but I even managed to go to Meycauayan for a despidida of a cousin. I was even “lured” to drink alcohol, which, under normal circumstances, I would gladly give in to. “Hey cuz, you don’t have to force me, promise. But I’m just not me today”. They didn’t believe me, so I took a sip or two to make them happy. This may be my last entry. I may be dying and have known it for the last four days or so.

Sigh. I have warm forehead and neck but my extremities are cold, feet and hands. I am so not well until now. Still I’m the luckier one cause I am not the one going away on the 17^th but my cousin is. He’s going on board a ship for the first time as a seaman. He’ll be away for nine months, first time he will experience winter on the nothingness of the vast ocean. We could have brought him to a pool party for his despidida but he wittingly declined “Ano ba? Ilang buwan akong tititig sa puro tubig tapos papalanguyin niyo pa ako dito?” Haha. Oo nga naman. But he should be happy cause at least there’s food and alcohol in his going away get-together, and he’s the youngest in the clan to go on board. Yes, mine is a clan of sea men. I have an uncle and a dozen other cousins who are marine people. For this we have a joke going around that they should establish their own shipping company with my uncle as the captain and my cousins as his crew. Haha. I think only we, the youngsters in the family laugh at it.

All that time we were eating and ‘drinking’ we were trying to get him to cry. “Sabi ng mama mo iyakin ka raw eh, sige na iyak ka na.” To which he posted a dare [to himself, haha] “O sige pustahan pa tayo, walang phone calls, nine months!”. Yeah right, cuz. As if your mom will let you. Just before we took off I think I saw him teary-eyed. Then I sniffed and reached for a tissue. I was not about to cry. I still have colds and still not feeling well.

episode 2

2005-11-10T01:23:00.000+08:00

I’ve been seeing a lot of Vilma lately, or have I been watching too much TV? But why does this concern me anyway?

My sister answered me the other night, chancing upon “Bata, Bata… “. Seeing Vilma, she blurted out “Kamukha ni Mama.” Oh yeah, that’s it. But why now, after seeing the movie for the nth time, it’s only now that we realize - that Vilma and my mom have the same hairstyle [at least in the movie], same shape of the face and virtually same personality? Now that she said it, yes, I see my mom in the face of Vilma.

My mom who is a true blue Vilmanian. My mom who’d never missed Vilma’s TV appearances and interviews. Coincidence? I doubt. My mom could have deliberately brushed off some of her “aura” to Vilma for us to see and feel in times like these. Mothers. Always having their amazing ways of doing things. If ever I get the chance to meet Vilma personally, I will most probably be caught off guard, starstruck.

Or maybe not. I may be just longing to see my mom in the flesh.

crest before the trough

2005-11-01T01:57:00.000+08:00

Nigel,

What do you call the feeling of expecting failure? Who is the nagging voice within plaguing you of 'what-if's', 'should-have's' and 'could-have-been's'? What is the cloud hanging over your head following you wherever you go?

What is the time between anticipation and disappointment? How do you prepare for an inevitable failure? How do you 'ride on' with the crests before the troughs?

How do you do it? How do you smile and act like everything's normal, while there's a war raging within you? How do you look cool and composed in the day, and then seriously contemplating on ending your life at night? How do you even brush off that thought?

How do you stifle your sighs?

On a completely unrelated [and trivial] matter, what is the title of the Drew Barrymore movie with the cinderella plot from where this line came from: "A bird may love a fish, my lord, but where will they live?" To which the Leonardo da Vinci character in the story replied: "Then I shall make you wings"...

It's been showing on Star for ages but for some reason I haven't been able to catch the title. I just don't want to lose any more sleep over this. I'm not kidding. I have to know.

re-education

2005-10-29T02:39:00.000+08:00

Here comes the iceberg of her titanic. The biggest rock that will make her trip and fall flat on her face. The storm on her parade. Here comes the mother of all disappointments in this girl's pathetic little life.

No, this does not concern her obsession with slightly older men, nor her periodic bouts with insecurities and self pity. This is about her. Her dreams, her self esteem, self worth and what she can, and cannot do. This is about the realization that she still hasn't found her place in the sun, and that she is not about to find it in a valley where she is standing, but maybe on a cliff in some other faraway mountain.

She had been taught seven days after she was born that she can cry and wail all she wants but sometimes, people are just not going to come and comfort her. So she learns not to whine that much anymore. Ten years later, she begs and begs for the walking doll on the toy store but instead she gets a rag doll. A beautiful rag doll, but a rag doll nonetheless. So she learns to play with the doll that she doesn't really like.

Eleven years after, thinking she has learned enough, she exhausts all her energy learning how to fly. Instead she falls head first to the ground. Now she re-learns that she can try her hardest but it just won't guarantee her the stars.

So there she is, about to collide with the cold mountain of ice. She takes a deep breath and dives in, not knowing if it will end her pathetic, disappointing, little life.

[-something that is not necessarily meaningful to all readers]

how easily disposed

2005-10-25T03:37:00.000+08:00

something that has been lying on my desk for the longest time, reminding me of the role i eternally play:

How easily disposed was I

Your eternal silence declare.

Long have I failed to see

That I am just

Some forgotten clock on the wall.

Set my time on you,

But you have yours

Advanced on me,

Left me in late ticking.

Could you buy me some of your time,

And wipe away

The cobwebs on my face.

So you can see

All of me.


Never was I in your life indispensable,

Your snowy ignorance restate.

I am just the tiny moss

Embracing an icy castle,

Seeking warmth from its stone breath.

Tomorrow will I be left

An overgrowth to your crevices

'Til you crumble, finally.


I am nothing,

Your dead tongue confirm.

I am just some sugar

Spilled on the mud.

I spoke the saccharine words

And blended them in your life.

But they have gone bland now

That you care less

And I am

worthless.

- the good research student that i was, i failed to document my source.
thus, an appeal to you who intellectually owns this, please don't sue me!

promises

2005-10-24T03:27:00.000+08:00

my willow tree,

The next time I see you, I promise not to flinch. That is, if there is a next time. I’ll be hoping against hope that there won’t be another, cause I might not be able to handle it. So you better hide far away from me. So far away, running after you would be futile.

I promise not to talk about you, not with anyone – as soon as I run out of good things to say. So you better try to be bad sometimes. Try to break that halo if you must.

I promise to shut your voice out when I hear you talk. That is, if you could just stop being too articulate. You’re too eloquent and sensible of a speaker to ignore. Try to talk rubbish sometimes.

So you see, everything depends on you. I won’t, if you won’t. If only you realize this, there won’t be any problem. But until then, I still have the right to think, dream and fantasize about you, and then blame it all on you. It’s your call. All I can do is try and promise.

If... I missed...then...

2005-10-23T04:12:00.000+08:00

So this is how it feels. I guess I missed the best part of it all.

Context: Me and my thesis adviser in her office, on a stressful Friday afternoon, one day after I submitted a rather unsatisfactory third draft. There were no small talks, as always. She went straight to what I went to see her for. Not even waiting for me to sit on a chair in front of her, she said:

Ma’am: Okay this is what you do. You give me something by Monday. [handing me my thicker-than-usual third draft]

Me: [confused] Ahm, Ma’am in what form?

Ma’am: In bound form [matter-of-factly tone].

Me: Ah okay… [speechless, trying to absorb the gravity of what I just heard]

This was how I learned that my thesis was finally approved for binding. Funny. I thought I could have anticipated it but I didn’t. In the first place, I didn’t know what I did that made her decide to get it through. Was it something I did or was it just divine intervention helping me out in there? I could swear that two days before, she was rather unconvinced that my work was worthy of her approval, much less of the department’s. She said so. At least that was the message I was getting when I talked to her. I felt belittled and demoralized, yes, but when another two years of your life is at stake, I guess I choose to be extra humble and unpretentious especially to authorities. Because so much is on the line. My time, my efforts, my life. I can’t afford another glitch in my lifelong plans. There’s just so little time, too much to do. And I’ve used up more time than I am entitled to waste.

The moment I got out of her office I cried. I’ve lost count how many times I have shed tears after getting out of that cold room. There were times that I cried out of frustration, sometimes out of fear and a lot of times I would cry out of disappointment. But that time I cried out of joy. I was thanking God for the weight lifted out of my shoulders, but not one soul was around to share my happiness with. What a shame. I was sad and worried and nobody knew about it. I was infectiously happy, and nobody was there to get infected with it.

I guess I missed the best part of it because I didn’t take pleasure in what I was doing. I didn’t notice I’ve become a zombie, working my ass off 20 hours a day, most of the time never appreciating what I was doing. Even my pc almost gave up on me, hanging up, shutting down by itself several times. But I, I was the leaner, meaner machine, hammering my keyboard longer that I could. It felt good for a while, but in the long run, when pressure had set in, the words I was churning out seem not to mean that much anymore. There came a time that I was working, just for the sake of doing it. Maybe, just maybe, if I did some things differently, things would have felt better. If. That’s the operative word. There’s no use thinking about it at this point.

near you always

2005-10-05T05:18:00.000+08:00

to my willow tree,

Please don’t say I love you. Those words touch me much too deeply. And baby my chords tremble. Don’t think you realize the effect you have over me. And please don’t look at me like that. It just makes me want to make you near me always. Please don't kiss me so sweet. It makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow. And please don't touch me like that. Makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow. And please don't come so close. It just makes me want to make you near me always.

Please don't bring me flowers. They only whisper the sweet things you say. Don't try to understand me. Your hands already know too much anyway. It makes me want to make you near me always. And when you look in my eyes please know my heart is in your hands. There's nothing that I understand. But with your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please cause my hand is on your hair but my heart is in your teeth baby and, it makes me want to make you near me always. Wanna be near you always. Wanna be near you always.

-thanks to jewel for the words and the music

scary thought

2005-10-03T05:38:00.000+08:00

i wanna say this for the record BECAUSE no one will ever have to remind me again:

I AM SO DAMN SCARED!!!

no one needs to understand what im talking about cause the moment i see this i will know. i will remember. 50 years from now,if i am still alive, when i read this i will remember it like it was just yesterday. I AM SCARED!!! too scared to even talk about it.

why, friendster, oh why?

2005-10-02T04:00:00.000+08:00

hindi ko na malalaman kung may bago ka nang girlfriend o kung break na kayo ng current mo.
hindi ko na ulit makikita ang mga pa-cute pictures mo.
hindi na kita maiiwanan ng message kahit kailan.

lahat ito dahil nag-upgrade na ang friendster at malalaman mo na ang sikreto ko.

na araw araw kong binibisita ang profile mo.
na pinagpiyepiyesthan ko ang mga pictures mo sa photos section.
na pinipigilan kong mag-iwan ng message sayo.

ngayon hindi na pwede. hindi na pwede. hindi ko kaya.

kasi magtataka ka. 'sino itong nang-iistalk sa akin?'

public announcement

2005-10-02T01:39:00.000+08:00

something that bothers me time and again:

just have to repost this.

IBOYKOT ANG MGA PRODUKTO NG NESTLE!!!

hindi ho biro ang ginawang pagpaslang kay Ka
Ding Fortuna - napakahalaga po ng papel na
ginampanan niya sa pagsusulong ng karapatan ng
mga manggagawa.

alng-alang kay Ka Fort at sa di na mabilang na
mga manggagawang pinagsasamantalahan ng
ganid sa tubong Nestle,

seryosohin natin ang boycott. hindi naman po
cguro mahirap ito.

maraming salamat.

[almost] happy

2005-09-10T02:57:00.000+08:00

someone made me unusually happy today - something that i definitely want to relive once in a while, as soon as i stop living through it now. how can this warm feeling stay with me for more than seven hours now? especially if it's something caused by a message like:

Nay, ba't po pangalan ni ate, Victoria?
kasi anak, dun namin siya ginawa ng itay mo.
e bat si kuya Anito?
Ay tumigil ka na nga Luneta at baka mapalo pa kita! tawagin mo na si kuya FX mo!

strange. in any case, i have to keep track of things that make me happy nowadays, just to make sure i'm not smiling a lot. smiling a lot is not always good. i know that for a fact. damn.

one and a half 90-min tapes

2005-09-04T04:29:00.000+08:00

The simplest, most mundane things make me happy. People around me know this. It wouldn’t take a lot of effort to make me grin. I laugh at corny jokes precisely because they are that and I appreciate individuals making the effort of cracking one.

I am easily amazed by people. I have this thing with eloquently clever, and cleverly eloquent, smart and witty talkers. I adore sarcastic but polite, brainy but not necessarily boring conversationalists.

And so it’s not exactly surprising that I was swept away by a stranger that I talked with over one ice coffee and six-page, back and front questionnaire. I didn’t even let him catch his breath. Well, he didn’t let himself do so. I even forgot my manners, not offerring him anything, not even the half empty ice coffee. The moment he took the seat across me, I said something that ended with a question mark and somehow it gave him the signal to just chat the afternoon away. And because this was a conversation that was meant to elicit more from him than from me, I welcomed anything and everything that came out ofhim. It wasn’t long before I found myself with a stiff neck, just by staring so hard at his eyes. He was not trying to be funny, but I chuckled nonetheless. In fact I sniggered too many times he had to make clear he was indeed being serious. He was serious, alright. But at the very least I made him smile when he unintentionally makes me laugh.

He knew what I wanted to hear and he made sure he said it so nicely I didn’t even have to ask the questions. He made sense to me. He knew where I was coming from and he went through it with me. He could have kept his cards close to his chest but he laid them out to me – at least all that he thinks I must know.

I positively think that there is more to our tête-à-tête than the one and half 90 minute tapes that rolled with it. When I listened to these recordings later, the words and the sounds definitely did not capture the mood between us. If not for my skeptic tendencies I would have believed he also had a thing for me. But years of experience and disappointment have taught me to believe otherwise. I believe I made the right choice. I had to.

episode 1

2005-09-01T03:29:00.000+08:00

Pagkatapos ng tatlong taon, pinapaiyak pa rin ako ng nanay ko. Lalo na kapag mag-isa lang ako sa bahay, o habang naliligo, o bago matulog.

Tuwing umaga para niya akong hinahatak sa higaan para kunin ang walis at maglinis ng bahay. Kapag naglalaba ang ate ko para niya akong kinokensensya at sinasabing ‘tulungan mo naman ate mo’. Kapag sawa na kami sa mga luto naming ulam at hirap na kaming mag-isip ng iba, naaalala ko ang mga experiment na ulam na luto niya. Halos marinig ko na ang boses niya na nagagalit sa amin kapag kumakain kami sa harap ng TV at hindi sa dining table.

Kapag nakikipagharutan sa kin ang pinsan ko at hindi ko na siya kayang labanan, mapapasigaw na lang ako ng “Mommy!!!” at titigil na sya. Takot siya sa nanay ko. Sa nakaraang tatlong birthday ko inaabangan kong gisingin niya ako ng palo sa pwet na kasing dami ng edad ko. Minsan matutulala na lang ako kapag may nakakasalubong akong kamukha niya sa kalye, kapag may aleng may dalang payong sa ilalim ng kainitan ng araw. Hindi pa rin ako makatapak sa ospital kung san ko siya huling nakita. Tuwing blangko ang utak ko siya ang lumilitaw.

Nung isang gabi, binisita na naman niya ako. Naghagilap na naman ang utak ko ng mga alaala tungol sa kanya. inabot ako ng madaling araw kakaisip. Paggising ko, intsik na ang mga mata ko kakaiyak. Natatakot ako na baka dumating ang panahon na maubusan ako ng alaala tungkol sa kanya. Para tuloy kelangan kong magrecord ng mga naalala ko tungkol sa kanya, baka kasi mawala pa.

Ano pa nga ba? Nung six years old ako, September na at ayaw ko pa ring pumasok ng kinder. Ewan ko ba matigas talaga ulo ko noon. Pero isang umaga hindi na niya ako pinalampas. Pinaliguan niya ako, binihisan ng uniform at nang nag-iinarte pa rin ako at ayaw pumasok, pinalo niya ako hanggang sa mag-iiyak ako. Tapos binuhat niya ako palabas ng bahay hanggang sa school. Buti na lang hindi ganun kalayo yung school mula sa amin. Paghatid niya sa akin sa kwarto ko iniwanan na niya ako, kinausap yung teacher ko tapos hindi man lang ako tinignan at tuloy tuloy nang umalis. Pag-uwi ko sa bahay tinawanan na lang niya ako nang sabihin kong “Ma, pasok na ako bukas.”.

Nung grade four ako at kelangan pa akong sunduin mula sa school, may trabaho siya hanggang hapon kaya hinihintay ko lang siya sa library hanggang alas kuwatro araw araw. Pero isang beses may kelangan siyang gawin kaya hinabilin na lang niya sa kaibigan niya na sunduin ako. Hindi ko naman alam kung anong nangyari sa kaibigan niyang iyon dahil alas otso y medya na ng gabi at wala pa. Kaya hayun ako sa labas ng school, malapit nang umiyak pero umaaktong matapang. Kumakain pa nga ako noon ng baon ko. Pinagsarhan na ako ng library at mga tricycle drivers na lang kasama ko. Muntik pa ata akong kidnapin nung isa nang bigla na lang may pumaradang taxi sa kabilang kalye. Haleluya! Lumabas ang nanay ko at patakbong tumawid ng kalsada papunta sakin. Ako naman hindi na napigilan ang iyak. Sa loob ng taxi pauwi tahimik siya. Tumingin ako sa kanya at nakita kong mamasa-masa din ang mata niya. Sinisisi niya ata ang sarili niya at hindi niya ako nasundo, pero ako, masaya lang ako noon at makakauwi na ako.

Ano pa ba? Sana hindi ako maubusan...

favorite place number one

2005-08-01T05:26:00.000+08:00

God I miss this place.

This is where the action [and 'inaction'] is. Bedroom, study room, dining room, receiving area, multi purpose hall- all in one small confined space. Couldn't and wouldn't believe that around 15 people could [and would force to] fit in to this space all at the same time.

I miss the feeling of being here. I miss the sounds, the noise from its inhabitants and its neighbors. I miss the smell. I miss feeling the slightly dusty sofa seats and table. Most of all, I miss the people who filled this room I miss the long talks [sensible or otherwise], one on one conversations and solitary bliss.

This is where it all happened.

wake up call

2005-07-10T01:39:00.000+08:00

Marco,

Nice to talk to you again. You see I have been trying hard to wake up from hibernation. Guess I'm coming back. But not before I tell you how and why.

Woke up at around 12 noon today. I was drenched in sweat and my head felt big and heavy. I didn’t realize I was sleeping in some kind of a broiler that is my bedroom. Was it the heat or just the time of the day? I have slept off half of the day. It felt like it’s morning when it’s almost midday.

I went straight to the kitchen to fix my breakfast and lunch all-in-one and switched on the TV. As usual, I’m alone.

This has been the case since I became the official home buddy for well, about four months now. How unhealthy. How unproductive. Officially I’m still studying but only for two or three days in a week. Aside from that, I have been working my ass off to severe sloth. I was insulating myself from the world where everything happens to everybody except me.

Then I saw you on ANC. You were at the rally in Makati with thousands of people asking Gloria to resign. In a sea of faces, the camera passed by you several times. Too fast for me to recognize the people around you but slow enough to stare at your face and make sure it was you. You just sort of popped out of the screen, as if saying “I’m here! Look at me!”. You were your usual self. Unruly but unusually nice curly hair, not-too thick-but-nevertheless-cool glasses, polo shirt, and your closed fist in the air. You displayed the dignified look you've always been known for, whether on the street or in the classroom.

How much I miss seeing you, I don’t know. But I know it is unusual to have a bad case of butterflies at the sight of someone I adore on TV. These things happen to high school girls, not to 21 year olds.

Then the you made me wonder, “What am I doing here wasting my time away? I should be out there doing something. I should be making myself more useful. Like taking a stand, making sure my voice is heard. I didn’t realize what you have made me feel. You made me feel guilty for not doing anything.

It is unusual for a person to have this effect on another person unless it’s something special. Gee. Can I just sleep it off?

questions u have been asking

2005-04-28T01:58:00.000+08:00

Nigel,

Sorry if I have not been talking to you lately. Last time we met you were asking too many questions. Questions that I myself cannot answer. You know how stubborn I can be regarding questions I cannot and will not choose to answer.

Am I okay? I think. I am more okay than I thought I would be. Thanks to all the encouragements I have been receiving from some people, including you. Guess there’s no other way for me now but to be okay. I figured if I am this down right now there would be no other way but up, right?

Where have I been last Sunday the 24^th? I was gone, for a while. I had to be. While all my batchmates were in their prettiest white dresses, with their make up on and their hair all nicely done, I was in my first official sexiest swimwear that I had ever had the guts to slip on. While they were in the cold, lifeless theater down there, I was out in the sun working out on my tan. And yeah, at the end of the day, I had one of the nastiest tan line I have ever seen on my body. One that extends from my chest all the way down to my back. It’s still here and Ill show it to you once you get back. It was only then that I discovered my love for water.

So how was I on that day? I was numb. Like I said, I will be thinking of things no more complicated than the beauty of clouds. And that’s exactly what I did. I thought of nothing. My mind was blank, which I think is good. Better than keeping myself in house arrest. Was I having fun? Maybe. But one thing’s for sure. I was not as depressed as I thought I would be. Thanks to this one thing called will power.

When I got back from my getaway and things started to kick in on me again, Pamy made me cry – again, for the nth time. Myra called from the fast craft they were riding going to bohol, with tasha, tin, Irene and kitchie. How I wished I was there with them but I gotta hold back. Play time is over for me. Gotta get back to work if I want to make something out of myself.

What else is there to know? Oh yeah. I bought the latest tori amos album, the beekeeper and I love it. When you get back I will let you hear my instant favorites ‘the power of orange knickers’, ‘sleeps with butterflies’, ‘ribbons undone’ and ‘cars and guitars’. I may even burn you a copy if you want me to. Free of charge, even if I would be violating copyright laws.

Before I forget, you may be surprised when you see me next week. I had my first haircut in five months and I don’t like it. Geez. I am beginning to think that hairdressers at the ystilo salon here is more competent than the ones at fix greenbelt. I will miss the longest hair I have ever cared for for the longest time. the heck i cant do anything about it now. argghhh.

so am i really completely, without a doubt okay? not yet. but i will be. maybe the next u see me i will be. thanks to people like you who keep on asking.

what else did you want to know? What is there left to tell?

what about u? what have u been doing? are u okay? are u even willing to tell me? please do talk to me soon.

this too shall pass

2005-04-18T00:41:00.000+08:00

nigel,

I wish the coming week will pass me by so quickly that I wouldn’t even have the time to breathe. Cause that’s pretty much how it will feel like - suffocating. This coming week is dreadful. This is inhumane torture if I may say.

I will need much more effort dragging myself out of bed and I will have to tire myself to sleep. That way I won’t have the luxury of time to think. I wouldn’t want any dull moment that will force my mind to work. I will stare at the sky and think of things no more complicated than the beauty of floating clouds. I am not about to put too much strain in my brain.

I am so tempted to forget all about this last elective, abandon this thesis and just let go. What if I just decide to snap? Deleting my thesis files is just a click away. Who needs a college degree if I am going to die in 30 years or so anyway? Then I remember my mom. She still never fails to make me cry.

Some people just make a dent in my oh-so-pathetic life that I would be too shameless to ignore them.

Take for instance Pamy. I am genuinely happy for her. I am so happy for her it hurts. It hurts cause I will not be there to be happy for her. I will not be there to be happy for myself.

I have imagined a different thing six months ago. I saw myself sitting there, in the cold theatre, with hundreds of other graduates. I saw myself crying, as I always was in commencement exercises I have attended before. I just never thought I will be crying for different reasons this time. And I will not be anywhere near that cold theatre anytime soon. My visions six months ago are just far from what I am seeing right now. And I am not losing sight. Maybe I am just not seeing clearly.

That is why I want to get over this week as fast as possible.

Then I realized how this is all so funny. It’s my birthday this coming week. Great.

My only hope is that this too shall pass. What a comforting thought.

need light

2005-04-09T03:23:00.000+08:00

nigel,

i see a dim future ahead of me. geez nigel, if you could hear me talk to me. entertain me. enlighten me. its dark in here.

so i learned that the infamous 'merienda joke' was indeed a joke. well, he apparently does not have a knack at cracking one. but i believed it. or rather, i chose to believe it. but well, i guess it doesnt matter now.

enough of him. i have more important things going on in my life right now. [or not going on in my life right now.]

i am not graduating this sem. i am still harbouring this hatred for this professor who felt she had the power and the right to re-route my post college plans. i still cant believe how a mere six hours of that fateful friday can reprogram the next eight months of my life. i am trying to get over the idea that some people can be so inconsiderate, narrow-minded, unfair and heartless at times. i mean, considering what i have been through, you cannot blame me for feeling this way. some people can be so cruel without them even knowing it. and still some people can be so damn cruel purposefully.

i am trying to be calm. in fact im trying to be optimistic. i wanna make the most out of the situation. im thinking, this may be an opportunity to finally feel and experience UP as i like to experience it. what if i take extra MP and/or PE classes? there'll be more isaw and fish ball afternoons with my lonesome self. there'll be more mobs that i can go where i can meet people i should have met ages ago. there'll be more jeepney rides and senate lobbying where i can finally say my piece to people i have been dying to befriend. there'll be more opportunities to stalk those unsuspecting people i have been eyeing these past four years. there'll be more chances to do and redo things i should have done before. that is if things will be a little more favourable for me.

so you see, i am trying to look at the bright side of things. but at the end of the day, i am still stuck to the idea that i failed not only myself but a lot of other people. and whether its my fault or not, it wouldnt matter. cause its already here. all i have to do is to deal with it. as if its such an easy situation to deal with. [sigh] im returning to my old skeptic self again.

need light here. talk to me soon.

merienda joke

2005-04-02T04:03:00.000+08:00

marco,

the last thing i ever heard from you:

"...pero ok lang sa akin ang merienda.Joke :) "

i had to ask, what the heck does that mean? and since when did you learn to crack a 'joke'? as far as i know, you are only capable of smiling and stifling a laugh. and that was it. i was happy and contented when you occasionally show these signs of being a human. but you are definitely not made to joke around like that about merienda.

sorry but i have this irresistible tendency to believe that you were not joking. that somehow, somewhere along the way, between the time you thought of saying that and the moment those words actually came out of your mouth, there was a moment that you sincerely meant that. you may not mean it now or the second after you said it but there was a split second you did. i am so sure there was.

and what's with the excessive use of smileys lately? why the sudden urge to smile a lot and flash your sunny disposition? there is no one to judge you here whether you've been good or bad. at least not at this time. so why all of this? i liked you even before you learned to smile more and there's no reason why i shouldn't like you more now.

the heck! whether you meant it or not, i would gladly have that 'merienda' with you. if only you said it earlier. if only there was time.

lesson learned: you don't need to kid around. just ask me.

hate letter

2005-03-26T07:19:00.000+08:00

God,

please allow me to write a hate letter, just this once.

I hate her too much, I am speechless.

simulain ng isang martir?

2005-03-22T02:02:00.000+08:00

marco,

hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ako sa nangyayari.

isang linggo na mula nang huli kitang makita, mula nang huli kitang makikita. kanina lang sinagot mo ang email ko. natuwa ako pero yun nga pala ay dahil kailangan. dahil may kailangan ka. nag-uusap tayo pero hindi mo alam na ako na pala ang kausap mo. nagpapalitan tayo ng mga salita pero mga salita lang yun. lalo na sayo, ano ba naman ang mga salita? ni hindi mo nga alam ang pangalan ng kausap mo.

tinulungan kita, nagpasalamat ka. hindi mo alam na ako ang pinasalamatan mo. nung una masaya ako. naku, kinakausap mo na ako. pero nagising ako. hindi nga pala ako ang akala mong kausap mo.

bakit ba kasi may ganitong set up? bakit ba kasi ako pa ang tumutulong sa yo at sa mga kagrupo mo para sa paper niyo? bakit kailangang ako pa ang magsend sayo ng exam questions na na-miss mo? bakit? ni hindi mo nga alam ang pangalan ko. nakasulat na ang pangalan ko, hindi mo pa mabasa.

inisip ko, kasi ako pala ang nagprisinta. pinili ko nga pala ito.

p*ksh*t. ayoko ata ng ganito.

gusto ko kung kakausapin mo ako, alam mong ako ito. kung magpapasalamat ka, sana alam mo kung kanino ka nagpapasalamat.

akalain mo. hindi na nga kita nakikita, hindi na mga kita makikita ganito pa rin ang epekto mo sa akin. nagagawa mo pa rin baguhin ang kilos ko. at nagagawa mong ipagawa sa akin ang mga bagay para lang sayo. martir? siguro. hindi ko alam. pero ayoko. hindi ako martir, kahit na para sayo.

martir? hindi. umaasa lang.

tale of two pathetic failures

2005-03-21T03:13:00.000+08:00

Marco,

Sorry I failed, pathetically. And sorry to myself.

The past week saw me so consumed by my plan of finally confessing to you what I needed you to know - my thoughts about you. I thought there would be no other time and place to do this but today, now. So I mustered all of my courage and stripped away my pride. At the last minute I will be chasing my chances at finally exchanging breaths with you.

The first time was understandable. The second was just so unacceptable and heart-wrenching.

Tuesday. I was so determined to finally let this all out. That was all I wanted to do. I even composed a script for myself so that even in a trembling voice, even in a stuttering tone, I will be able to say what I needed you to know. I came up with a lot of different versions of the same thing that I wanted to tell you. I tried to package the message in a way that would make you feel it is worthy of your attention. I rehearsed my actions and facial expressions so that my confession would look natural and spontaneous, dignified and unassuming. I am eating my pride here but I wasn't about to give all of myself away. I was so eager, so excited. Unexplicably nervous but very excited.

I couldn't begin to decribe how I felt when you finally walked into the room. It was like - it was all I've been waiting for but it was also something I am so afraid to do. You walked right in front of me, so oblivious of the war inside of me. You sat two chairs away from me and I can almost see your face when you laugh. My hand was cold and I was no longer conscious of the sights and sounds around me. Everything was in a blur, just like in a dream. There must be a moment there when I lost myself thinking, how can I ever get through this?

Then the prof said 'you can go' and I was scared. That was it. People circled around us.There came a moment when we were face to face. Thus the moment I've been planning for. But my hands were trembling and I was afraid my voice was broken and that I forgot my script. So I stupidly let my fear win over me. The next thing I knew, you were walking away, just like any other day I was wishing I was near you. Another one of those chances... come and gone. I hated myself a great deal for that. This is one failure I am not about to replicate.

Friday was a different story. I was still afraid, yes, but I knew how to handle it this time. I thought, whatever it is,there's nothing left to lose now. The last chance I will ever have is here and I was more willing than ever to take it.

So I waited. And waited. And waited. I was losing too much time. I was afraid but this time, because I think you may not come. I realized I may have seen the last of you. You may not come.

And so you didn't. How pathetic is that?

Fate took charge and punished me. I was given a lot of other chances, I didn't take it. Now I have to live with it. Well I figured, if ever I did talk to you, nothing may really change, just that somebody knows I care for him, that's all. I wouldn't know how much difference it would make.

So, because I believe sooner or later I should be moving on with my life, and since I figured I should be writing letters for somebody else aside from you in this blog, I am writing one of the last few letters I may ever write for you. This is a part of the things I have been meaning to tell you. If ever fate will take pity on me and give me one last chance, I still wanna say these to you:

I am taking the risk of making you think that this is just another letter you receive once in a while from strange people you never know. But still I wanna tell you this isn't. This isn't.

Yes, I am someone you don't know. At least that's what I think and there's no other way I could be wrong. So why this letter? Because I know you, of course not personally, but I know you from the many things you do and how many other people describe you. I know some things you like and I know some things you don't like. So I guess I never really know much but this is enough to make me want to know more.

I've been dying to talk to you for the longest time now. I've been trying to compose strings of words that I think would be worthy of your attention. Words that would make you stop and think for a while. All for the purpose of taking that chance to talk to you. Well, up to the last minute, I failed myself...

anong meron mamaya?

2005-03-15T02:07:00.000+08:00

marco,

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit wala na akong magawang sulat para sayo. Para bang nauubusan na ako ng mga salita. Para bang natutuyuan na ako. Napakaraming dapat sabihin pero hindi ko alam kung paano.

Kaya nagdesisyon na akong komprontahin ka mamaya, pagkatapos ng klase. Mamaya, sasabihin ko na sayo ang matagal nang bumabagabag sa akin. Susubukan kong ipaintindi sayo ang mga nasa isip ko pero magtitira ako sa sarili ko ng mga detalyeng alam kong hindi rin naman importante sayo. Hahayaan din kitang magbigay ng reaksiyon mo kahit ano man yun, maganda man o pangit. Kahit na alam kong eto ang parteng kong papatay sa akin.

Oo. bahala na. Sabi ko nga diba? It’s now or never, do or die. This is it. Kahit na marami akong dahilan para hindi ko gawin ito, gagawin ko pa rin dahil ito lang ang makakapagpatahimik sa loob ko.

Magiging matapang na ako. Natatakot man ako, sisiguruduhin kong hindi mo malalaman o mapapansin yun. Para lang akong nakikipag-usap sayo tungkol sa panahon. Pinapangako kong hindi ako tatawa, ni ngingiti nang walang dahilan at sisiguruduhin kong garalgal man ang boses ko, hindi mo mahahalata yun. Hindi mo rin makikita na nanginginig na ang kamay at tuhod ko. Hindi. Wala kang mapapansin na ganun. Pero ngayon pa lang aaminin ko na na kinakabahan na ako. Naghanda pa ako ng kodigo para hindi ako makalimot ng sasabihin sayo. Sisiguruduhin kong hindi ko makakalimutan yun. Pinaghandaan ko ang araw na ito kaya sisiguruduhin kong hindi ako papalpak, hindi ako manghihina, kahit na takot pa rin ako hanggang ngayon.

Ito ang mga dahilan kung bakit kailangan mo akong abangan mamaya.

dalawampu't isang araw

2005-03-15T02:03:00.000+08:00

Junior,

Dalawampu’t isang araw mula nang una at huling beses kitang makita at makilala, miss na kita. Sa totoo lang, matagal na. Hinahanap kita.

Gasgas na ang tape ng interview ko sayo. Memoryado ko na ang bawat salitang ginamit mo at pati ang tono ng pagtawa nating dalawa kapag nagloloko ka. Pampatulog ko ang boses mo sa gabi kapag wala akong ganang magpuyat. Pinipigilan ko na lang ang sarili ko para ipasok pa sa player ko ang tape na yun. Baka masyado nang magamit, magasgas, baka lalo kong pagsisihan na masira ko ang bagay na meron ako tungkol sayo.

Sinusubukan kong mag-imbestiga ng mga bagay tungkol sayo. At lahat ng nalalaman ko, gaan man yun kaliit o kasimple na bagay, lalong nagpapatunay sa akin na isa ka sa mga kaunting taong gugustuhin kong makilala pa nang lubusan. Halimbawa, mula sa pakikipag-usap mo sa mga kaibigan at kakilala mo, nararamdaman ko na malaki ang pagpapahalaga at pagmamahal nila sayo, at dito ko rin nararamdaman kung gaano mo kamahal ang mga espesyal na tao sa buhay mo. Para sa akin napakagandang senyales na nun sa akin na mabuti kang tao.

Ilang beses ko nang nabasa ang mga librong sinulat mo, hindi dahil kailangan siya sa thesis ko, kundi dahil alam kong ito ay produkto ng pagkatao mo. At hindi nga ako nakamali. Sa simula pa lang, napatunayan ko ang pagpapakita mo ng pagmamahal sa mga tao sa paligid mo, mga espesyal na tao sa paligid mo. Nabasa ko ang mga pinapahalagahan mo sa buhay. Nakilala kita. At natututwa ako. Meron man akong hindi nagustuhan sa sinulat mo, nakakagulat pa rin na hanggang sa ngayon ay hindi pa rin nagbabago ang pagtingin ko sayo. Inaabangan ko ang susunod mong lalabas na libro. Alam kong mas marami akong matututunan doon tungkol sa yo. At lalo kong mararamdaman na malapit ka lang.

Palagi kitang inaabangan at hinahanap. Hinihintay ko ang sagot mo sa mga sulat ko dahil nag-aalala na ako. Pakiusap ko lang sana makita at makausap kita ulit, kahit sandali lang.

Sana hindi lumipas ang panibagong dalawampu’t isang araw. Sana hindi lumipas ang isang araw.

not another cheesy poem for him

2005-03-10T00:23:00.001+08:00

marco,

no, this is definitely NOT for you. although there are phrases here that i would love to dedicate to you, there are just some things that i should do for you and only for you. fortunately and unfortunately this is not one of them.

no, this is definitely NOT a poem. it just felt right to format it this way, that's all. and yes, this is so cheesy, so i would warn those who have had enough of the mushy stuff, stay away.

and yes this is for him. this is for him who taught me a new meaning of the word transcriptions.transcriptions are not mere verbatim records of an interview. they are evidences of special encounters with special people. it is for this reason [and a lot more!] that i am keeping my transcriptions of him.

so here's to *junior for making me feel again:

all i have is your voice
and i play it in my head
over and over again.
i listen to you speak
of your thoughts, your ideals,
your dreams and your hopes.
i hear you laugh
and i find myself
laughing with you.

i hear you talk
and i can almost see you.
i picture your imperfect smile
and imperfect as it is,
it nevertheless soothes my tired soul.
i look at you looking at me
and i find myself
shying away.

i see you
and i can imagine you.
i feel your presence
and i am taken to a place
at a special moment
when you lay
all of yourself
without the lights
and candy coats
and i can't help
but be mesmerized,
leaving me no choice
but to be taken by you.

all i have is your voice
and it has taken me
so far.
all i have is your voice
and it has led me
deeper into you.
so far and so deep
it feels like home.

how i wish
you'll give me more
than your voice.

to *junior

stalker mode again

2005-03-09T18:20:00.000+08:00

marco,

despite the pressure i am under right now and despite the fact that you are my repose especially in these times, i wanna retire from you just this minute. i wanna back off a little and make space for things that are hovering over me right now. there are just some things that you cannot do for me and this is one of them. but still i wanna make you a part of every little thing that i am and will be feeling.

how can i ever organize these thoughts? sa sobrang dami, at sa sobrang ng laki epekto nila sa akin, paano ko sisimulan???

let me try randomly...

naiinis ako dahil nagpapakita na naman ako ng mga simptomas ng obsession and infatuation. someone's pushing my stalker button. and im not sure if i like it. i should be through with this.

an interview which lasted for about one hour took me one week to transcribe. i sleep with the interview tape playing over and over again. i still can hear his voice even in the bathroom. almost half of my day is spent organizing a message i will be posting for an e group [no kidding!]. and i waste my time daydreaming of someone i met only once. can someone tell me what the heck this is?

yes, he is someone i met at my convenience. i needed his answers and he was just so kind enough to give me that and more. he exerted some more effort and there was nothing in return. should i conclude that he is just plain kind hearted? maybe. but i feel so much more. i see brilliance, warmth, and a lot of sense. i see someone i would be so glad to chat with years after he had read this stupid message. he is not just some informant for my stupid thesis. he is someone i am so fortunate enough to exchange text messages with and to share one hour or so of our busy lives.

the problem is, he's gone, away. he's living his own life. there's no way i can see him again. so as usual, i resort to more non traditional methods of getting to know a person. i stalk, well, sort of. and i don't like it. not only because it's bad, but also because i dont wanna do it anymore. i wanna do more than that. i want to actually see him and talk to him personally, face to face. i guess it's just too much to ask for some people like him.

i feel bad. wala akong magawa. so i stay up til the ungodly hours of the morning searching for him [literally]. i cant help it. and the more i know about him, the more i want to know more. insatiable desire, i would say.

so once again im stuck in the stalker mode. doesn't make any difference actually, ive been like this forever. but i wanna get out. i wanna be out.

i should be out. soon. before time runs out.

anxiety strikes back

2005-03-08T07:38:00.000+08:00

marco,

pinapatay na naman ako ng anxiety attacks ko. hindi pa rin ako nasanay. tuwing monday at thursday night, hanggang sa madaling araw, hanggang sa kinaumagahan, hindi ako mapakali, at hindi iba ang tuesday morning na ito.

lalo pa ngang lumalala ang pagkabalisa ko nitong mga nakaraang araw. kasi marso na. kaya napabilang ako nung isang araw, eto ang computation ko:

sa natitirang 2 weeks of march na may class = 2 days per week na may class = 1 and a half hours per day sa class = 6 hours

akalain mo. i feel like my existence is and will be reduced to these six hours.

ano ba ang pwedeng mangyari sa loob nang anim na oras? magkunwaring nakikinig kay maam sa class? [palagi ko namang ginagawa yun]. isipin ka? [araw araw namang nangyayari yun]. lumapit ako sayo para magpapansin? [lagi naman akong nagpapapasin sayo, hindi nga lang effective kasi hindi halata]. lumapit ka sa akin para magpapansin? malabo.

kaya inaatake ako ngayon ng kaba kasi it's now or never. kumbaga do or die. this is it. whether i make or break it. ayoko nang bigyan pa ng choice ang sarili ko. either i do it or i don't.

before this month ends, i am out. i do not intend to keep this to my grave. whether you like it or not, you will know.

wish me luck.

32 flavors

2005-03-04T03:51:00.000+08:00

marco,

problematic ang araw na ito but i wanna keep my sunny and optimistic attitude. in fact, ayoko ko siyang pag usapan sa ngayon dahil i wanna believe na bukas, hindi na siya problema para sa akin, o kung problema pa rin siya, i wanna believe i will feel better about it.

dahil dyan, ikaw na naman ang napagtuunan ko ng pansin. gusto kong linawin na kung ano man ang sinulat ko sa last entry, totoo pa rin siya up to this second, at sa tingin ko matagal pa bago ko masagot ang mga "maybe" ko na yun. pero what the heck? hindi ko naman sinabi doon na ayaw na kitang isipin at pagpantasyahan.

tumawag ako sa friend ko kanina. wala namang ibang dahilan kaya lang siya lang kasi ang isa sa mga nagtitiyaga sa aking makipag -usap sa kin tungkol sayo. mula sa hair do mo na pangit daw dahil masyadong buhaghag, hanggang sa boses mo na pangit din daw kasi biglang humihina, hindi na raw marinig. syempre to the rescue naman ako kahit kaibigan ko yun. sabi ko, oo pangit nga hair mo pero neat naman at hindi kakalat kalat. nag agree naman siya at sabi niya hindi ka naman daw yung tipong vain na lalake. sabi ko rin maganda nga ang boses mo, imagine na lang kung marinig ka naming kumanta... hindi pa rin siya nag-agree. wala na akong magawa.

alam mo advice ko sayo medyo ingat ka na sa mga tao sa paligid mo, kahit na friends mo dahil baka nagpapanggap lang silang friends, stalker na pala. gaya ng friend ko na ito. hindi naman niya sinasadya o planadong maging acquainted sa yo at hindi rin naman siya talker kaya lang kasi siya ang isa sa mga pinagtatanungan ko tungkol sa yo. nasip ko kung may mga ganitong pagkakataon, pwede rin itong gawing ng ibang tao sayo. buti na lang wala naman akong masamang balak sa yo, except sana makasama ka overnight, mmm.

sana pumasok ka mamaya. technically kayo pa rin ang reporter kaya dapat nandun ka.
anyway, habang nagse search ako para sa thesis, nakita ko ang lyrics ng kantang ito at ngayon ko lang siya naappreciate. nung nabasa ko to naisip ko ito na ang isa sa mga magandang message na pwede kong sabihin sa yo. Sana namnamin mo.

Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some

And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you're going to get hungry
And eat all of the words you just said

I am what I am. I am 32 flavors and then some.

And God help you if you are an ugly girl
Cause too pretty is also your doom
Cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
For the prettiest girl in the room

And God help you if you are a phoenix
And you dare to rise up from the ash
A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
While you are just flying pass

I'm not trying to give my life meaning by demeaning you
And I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do

I am what I am. I am what I am
I am 32 flavors and then some
taking my chances as they come
I am 32 flavors and then some
looking for truth but there is none

I am 32 flavors and then some
I never forget where I came from
I am 32 flavors and then some
I am nobody but I am someone.

think, not feel

2005-03-02T23:28:00.000+08:00

marco,

A conversation with a friend today made me re-evaluate my feelings towards you.

I learned ages ago that apparently, I’m not the only one who has had illusions about you. In fact, there a lot of many other girls [and maybe even gays] who fantasize about being with you. And it was okay, it’s fine with me. It doesn’t really make any difference for me. Nothing has changed. I guess I’m aware of it but I’ve never given it a lot of brainwork. As a friend would put it, i am 'confident' of my emotions.

But meeting someone who actually has the guts to say ‘father my child’ referring to you made me think. Am I the kind of person who’s tolerant of these things? In the first place, why am I even entertaining this idea?

Ignorance is bliss. Is it? Sometimes I wish I could go back to the time when I never knew worry, when I never understood fear and when I was amazed with the most little things. And there are times when I wish I have never known you. And I wished I never realized these things:

that maybe i liked you only for myself and not for anybody else
that maybe i never really wanted you
that maybe i am just in love with the idea of you
that maybe i'm just in love with the idea of being in love
that i have liked you even before i met you,
not because of who you are
but because you were there at the right place at the right time.

not very comforting thoughts i tell you.
let me think, not feel.

break muna

2005-03-01T22:17:00.000+08:00

marco,

buong araw akong nasa harap ng pc. as in buong araw, walang exaggeration. as usual, nanganganib kasi ang thesis ko kaya baon na baon na ang panic button ko. anyway, hayaan mo na akong pagpantasyahan ka kahit sandali.

may bago nga pala akong crush. well, hindi lang naman ikaw ang crushable sa buong mundong ito no? nainterview ko siya dahil sa thesis ko. napakatalino niya gaya mo, may itsura naman siya gaya mo, mukha namang hindi siya masamang tao gaya mo, at attached na rin siya gaya mo. so attached, may asawa na siya at three year old na anak. haay bakit ganun?

nung nasabi ko yun sa friend ko, nginitian niya ako. sabi niya, ano ka ba? kung hindi may girlfriend, may asawa ang gusto mo! sabi ko, wala naman akong balak agawain siya sa asawa niya noh! kaya lang that only makes them more desirable. whatever!

at least alam ko hindi lang ang pwede kong pagtuunan ng pansin. in fact, ang dami dami ko dapat isipin. gaya ng thesis ko, kung paano ako gagraduate, thesis ko, kung paano ako gagraduate. kasi naman bago ikaw, maayos ang utak ko. nakaplano ang mga gagawin ko. alam ko kung anong dapat mangyayari ngayon. pero nagulo lang lahat. [yeah nagwa-whine na naman ako, reklalmo, reklamo].

oo nga pala, sana naman pumasok ka na mamaya no? mahigit isang linggo na tayong hindi nagkaklase. pumasok ka na. report niyo pa mamaya. kawawa naman ang mga kagrupo mo, isave mo sila kay maam. alam mo namang anti US yun.

o siya sige na. nagiging random thoughts na lang naman ito e. at kung isusulat ko lang lahat ng random thoughts ko, baka magsawa ka lang. [as if hindi ka na nagsasawa ngayon!] pero seriously, kung isusulat ko ang random thoughts ko ngayon, hindi na siya random at redundant na siya. mararamdaman mo na lang kung ano yun.

o totoo na to. tama na. babawi na lang ako pag nakausap na kita, hindi na kita pakakawalan kaya maghanda ka! break muna.

double header sayang

2005-02-28T02:10:00.000+08:00

marco,

pebrero 22, martes, mga alas sais nang gabi.

nakasakay ako sa katipunan dyip noon, palabas ng school. hindi pa ako uuwi. ayoko pa nga sanang umuwi. kaya lang may gagawin pa kaming presentation ng mga groupamates ko kaya hayun, napilitan akong sumama sa kanila sa meeting namin sa cybercafe.

hindi naman halatang balisa ako at walang gana. sabi ko lang sa kanila, 'i'm down and out' dahil sa thesis. hindi lang nila alam na dahil din yun sa yo.

pakiramdam ko nasa MTV ako ng bagong kanta ni christian bautista. alam mo yung mga may effect pa na lumilipad lipad pa yung hair ko habang nakatingin ako sa kawalan sa labas ng dyip... alam ko korni, wag mo nang tawanan. kaya nga MTV e. iniisip ko noon, bakit, o bakit? bakit hindi ka nagparamdam ngayon? kahit lang sana maramdaman ko na iisa lang ang hanging hinihinga natin. pero wala. kahit anino mo wala.

kaya nag-wish ako na sana makita kita kahit sandali lang. ang korni diba? parang lyrics ng kanta. pero totoo yun. yun talaga yung wish ko. sabi ko hindi pa naman ako nakakalabas ng school, baka magkaroon pa ng himala at magpakita kahit ang salamin mo lang sa akin.

kaya hayun, habang magulo na ang buhok ko dahil sa hangin, nakatingin pa rin ako sa kawalan, bigla kong nakita ang anino mo naglalakad, patawid nang kalye. akala ko kamukha mo lang. pero nung nakita ko yung salamin, sabi ko, 'o hindeh' siya na nga! may kasama ka pang mga naka white at naka red na uniform niyo nung araw na yun. parang gusto kong pumara kay mamang drayber at bumaba para habulin ka. pero hindi ko nagawa. pero kung alam mo lang kung gaano nanginginig ang mga kamay at tuhod ko sa sobrang excitement. kaya lang palayo ka na naman nang palayo. kung pwede ko lang sanang iikot 360 degrees ang ulo ko para mahabol pa kita ng tingin pero mabilis na rin ang takbo ng dyip namin. wala na akong nagawa kundi pagkasyahin ang sarili ko sa tatlong segundong nakita kita.

nang halos galanggam ka na lang sa liit, napatingin ako sa groupmates ko. maingay pa rin sila, pinag-uusapan ang presentation namin. wala silang kaalam alam sa nangyaring giyera sa loob ko habang nakatingin ako sa labas ng dyip.

pebrero 24, thursday

haggard day. buong araw akong may pasok. walang patawad, ice coffee lang ang pwede kong kainin sa lunch. pero espesyal ang araw na ito. inaabangan ko ang araw na ito dahil alam kong pupunta ka sa building ko ngayon. hindi na kita kailangan hanapin. lalapit ka na sa akin.

buong araw akong may pasok pero umaasa akong sobrang late na naman ng prof ko sa 4to 7pm na class ko. palagi naman siyang ganon kaya sabi ko sana... sana ngayon din...

pagdating ng alas 4, hindi na ako mapakali palakad lakad sa corridor hanggang sa veranda. ang dami ko nang nakausap na tao. ang dami ko nang napagtanungan. kulang na lang tanungin ko sila nang diretso, 'nakita nyo ba si marco? anong oras ba siya dadating?' pero hindi ko ginawa yun.

anak ng !#$%!*!!! alas kwatro y medya na wala ka pa rin! nag-aalala na ko baka nasa room na yung prof ko. naglo-lock pa naman yun ng room at pag late ako, hindi na ako makakapasok at hindi ko na makukuha yung ganit ko sa loob. kaya masama man sa loob ko, pumasok na rin ako sa klase. masama ang loob ko. masama ang loob ko.

paano ko matitiis na nasa iisang lugar lang tayo pero hindi kita makikita?

pagpasok ko sa room, wala pa rin yung prof. hindi na ako mapakali sa upuan ko, kunwari nag-aaral ako pero kada 15 segundo akong titingin sa relo ko.

alas singko na. anak ng... para akong kinulong na walang kasalanan. kung nasa labas lang sana ako. parang naririnig na kitang nagsasalita sa baba. bigla, pinagana ko na naman ang pagka adventurous ko. bigla nagdesisyon ako:

'classmate, i-update mo na lang ako sa gagawin next wek ha?' bigla kong sabi sa katabi ko, sabay sibat, nagmamadali, papunta sa pintuan.

pero bago ko pa mabuksan ang pinto palabas, para namang matabamg pulis na sumilip yung prof ko sa amin.

'where are you going ms _______? '

'sir i think i can't attend your class today, i decided i had to do something else.'

'o drop na ka?'

anak ng pating naman itong prof na ito pinapahirapan pa ko...

'no sir'

'o balik ka dun'

haay! wala akong nagawa kundi bumalik sa upuan ko. sayang ang pangangatwiran ko sa prof na yun, minsan lang mangyari sa akin yun, hindi pa effective. bukod sa tiniis ko ang class niya mula 5pm hanggang 8:15 pm, hindi pa kita nakita. haggard day talaga.

after ng class ko, may solidarity night sa amin. gabi na nun pero sumilip pa rin ako dun. nakita ko kung saan ka nagsasalita kanina. naimagine ko, ano kaya kung nandun ako? sinabi na lang sa akin ng isang kaibigan ko na nakita ka niyang umalis ng building namin mga 5:30 ng hapon. sayang ang 30 minutong pagsasawaan sana kita.

sana sa susunod wag ka nang masyadong maging mailap.

tanong ko lang

2005-02-17T02:12:00.000+08:00

marco,

paano ba kita maaabot? pareho lang ang hanging hinihinga natin pero parang magkaibang mundo pa rin ang tinitirhan natin. nakikita na natin isa't isa, pero may makapal na pader pa ring nakaharang sa atin.

ang dami ko nang sulat sayo, kung alam mo lang. pero napi pipi ako pag nandyan ka na. kapag nagku-krus na ang mga mata natin, kung alam mo lang kung paano umiikot ang ulo ko. iniisip ko, ano ba ang mga salitang magiging makabuluhan para sayo? ano ba ang mga salitang karapat dapat mong paggugulan ng panahon at atensyon?ano ba ang mga bagay na magiging interesado kang pag-usapan natin? ano ang gusto mo?

sa tingin ko hindi naman ako nag-iilusyon pero nakikita ko sa mga mata mo na kilala mo ako at gusto mong ipaalam sa akin na alam mong nabubuhay ako. alam ko, nararamdaman ko na gusto mo ring magsimula ng usapan. hindi mo lang alam kung paano. at lalong hindi ko rin alam kung paano. pero hindi ko alam kung anong pumipigil sayo.

dumadalas na kitang nakikita nitong mga nakaraang araw. hindi ko alam kung pinaglalaruan lang ako ng pagkakataon o talagang ginusto ng Diyos na pagsalubungin tayo. pero bakit walang nangyayari sakin? bukod sa nanghihinayang ako sa mga pagkakataong iyon, na sana hindi ko na pinalampas.

napakatalino mo, baka hindi mo ito maintindihan. pero okay lang. hahayaan ko na lang mangyari ang dapat mangyari. kung nangyari na ito nang wala akong ginagawa, baka ito lang talaga ang tadhana ko. ang habang buhay makaramdam ng ganito at maghintay.

sa huli, gusto ko pa ring malaman mo, lagi kang nasa isip ko at pinapangarap ko pa rin ang pagkakataong marinig ang pangalan ko mula sa bibig mo. bonus na ang makita ang mga mata mong walang salamin. pagbigyan mo sana ako.

birthday greeting

2005-01-03T03:47:00.000+08:00

marco,

happy birthday!!!

dalawang araw bago kita makita uli, hindi na ako makapaghintay. i cant wait to sit on that chair in front of you. yun nga lang syempre hinihiling ko pa rin na sana sa susunod, nakaharap na ako sayo, o kaya naman nasa tabi mo na ako. Ang hirap kasing kumilos kapag alam kong nakikita mo ako. pakiramdam ko pinapanood mo bawat galaw ko kahit alam kong hindi naman. paranoid lang talaga ako at ambisyosa. haaayy...

gusto ko rin sanang malaman mo na napanaginipan kita kaninang umaga. alam mo ba ung paniniwala na ang mga panaginip na napanaginipan na sa umaga ay malamang na magkatotoo? syempre gusto ko sanang magkatotoo yun. hindi naman ganon kaimposible ang hinihingi ko eh.

kaninang umaga, nakita kitang nakaupo sa paborito mong upuan kung saan kita madalas na nakikita. nakatayo naman ako sa harap mo and this time, nakaharap na ako sayo. for the first time nakita kita nang harapan nang hindi ako yumuyuko o umiiwas ng tingin. the magic of dreams. di ko yun magagawa pag gising ako.

hindi lang naman tayong dalawa ang nasa classroom non. may kasama rin tayong mga kaklase natin. pero as usual sa isang panaginip na kasama ka, ang pakiramdam ko tayo lang dalawa. kaya nga tinawag na panaginip e. dun lang ako may karapatan na gawin yun, tama?

nagsasalita ako doon ng hindi ko na maalala kung ano. baka naman nonsense lang ang sinasabi ko. anyway, ikaw naman, as usual, nakaupo nang tuwid na parang sundalo. minsan nga nag-iisip ako kung nagrerelax ka ba paminsan minsan. as usual, nakapatong na naman ang siko mo sa armrest. ganyan ka naman pag nakikinig, miski kay ma'am, pati ba naman sa akin sa panaginip ko??? pero di mo lang alam, aliw na aliw ako sayo kapag pinapatong mo na ang chin mo sa daliri ng kamay mo, na para bang yung chin mo yung nag-iisip, haha!!!

anyway, ilang segundo din akong nandoon at nagwi-wish na sana magsalita ka naman o kausapin mo ako, pero wala ring nang yari. nagising lang ako sa bed ko na masakit ang likod. yun ang dahilan kung bakit ayaw ko na sanang managinip at pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong managinip.

alam ko napakasimpleng panaginip lang, napaka corny, napakawalang kwenta. pero gusto ko pa rin sanang magkatotoo ang panaginip na yun. kasi nandun ka.

alam mo namang pagdating sayo napakababaw lang ng kaligayahan ko e. makita ko lang nga picture mo hindi na ako makahinga. kung alam mo lang na pinagtiyatiyagaan kong mangolekta ng kahit na anong unviversity publications o newsletters na alam kong nandun ka. balak ko na ngang ipalaminate yung mga nakolekta kong pictures mo e.

alam mo ba inaantok na ako ngayon pero nandito pa rin ako at sinusubukang kausapin ka. kasi baka sakaling mabasa mo ito. sana...

happy birthday na lang ulit. magpakasaya ka sana sa araw mo at magpahinga ka naman kahit minsan. hanggang sa susunod na sulat.

trahedya

2005-01-01T05:42:00.000+08:00

marco,

nasaan ka na kaya ngayon? sana nakapagpahinga ka na dahil alam ko marami ka pang gagawin sa january. hapi new year nga pala at hapi birthday.

oo alam ko kung kailan ang birthday mo. kahit alam kong sa kabila ng concern mo sa buong sang kaupihan, at hindi ako kasama sa mga concerns na yun, alam ko pa rin ang birthday mo. i make it my business to know.

oo alam ko ang birthday mo at alam ko rin ang phone number mo. pero hindi ako magpapadala ng anonymous messages sayo. walang palya nga kitang binibisita sa friendster eh, pero wala kang natatanggap na mga papansin na mga messages galing sa kin. bakit naman eh ni hindi mo nga ako kilala!!! at tsaka magmumukha lang akong tanga dahil alam kong hindi mo rin naman ako papansinin.

pero hindi rin naman ako stalker!!! kahit iniiwasan ko ang term na yan dahil napaka negative, hindi naman talaga kita inii stalk! kasi kung oo, mas marami pa akong magagawa para mas marami akong malaman tungkol sayo. pero hindi ko ginagawa, dahil i respect ur privacy. besides, stalking is so very high school!!!

alam ko malamang hindi mo ito mabasa pero walang sawa pa rin akong kakaka kausap sa keyboard na ito. pero malay mo, ikaw na nga ang kinakausap ko, hindi mo pa alam? ang kelangan mo lang gawin eh maging open.

besides, may nakapagsabi sa akin, kahit ano mang sabihin ko sayo ngayon, kahit sa anong paraan, o kahit anong lenggwahe, makakarating pa rin sa yo ito, my voice is never really unheard when i try to talk to u, it just transforms into another form of energy that will eventually find u. i am just waiting for that moment when this tremendous force reaches you and finally makes u realize u have been missing in this life.

na minsan ang buhay ay isang trahedya. pero hindi pa rin ako titigil na kausapin ka, kahit na ganito kagulo ang mga sulat ko.

komedya

2005-01-01T03:55:00.000+08:00

sa pimple ng buhay ko:

tumubo ka sa tuktok ng cheekbone ko na parang isa lang napakaliit na kagat ng lamok. parang napakainosente, at hindi makakasira ng makinis kong kutis. hindi kita pinapansin dahil ang akala ko mawawala ka rin na tulad ng ibang pimple na tumubo na mukha ko.

pero isang araw, bigla kang nangati. nung una, pinigilan kong kamutin ka. sinubukan ko na ang lahat ng makakaya ko para lang di ka makamot. nung una ay pinagtiyagaan ko lang maghilamos nang halos oras oras para lang hindi ka marumihan. tapos medyo pinapalo palo ko na nang konti ang pisngi ko para lang maibsan ang magkasama nang sakit at kati. madalas nga nakakatulugan ko na ang namamanhid ko nang pisngi at kamay, dahil sa kakakpalo sayo, hindi ka rin naman natuto. nang hindi ko na mapigilan, tinali ko na ang sarili kong mga kamay sa likod ko para lang mapigilan ko ang sarili kong mahawakan ka.

habang tumatagal, lalo kang lumalaki, namumula, sumasakit. tapos walang sabi sabi bigla ka na lang napisa. parang sumabog ang bulkang pinatubo sa mukha ko. tapos parang nag tsunami mula sa loob ng bulkan ang sama ng loob na tinatago mo. may kulay yellow, may kulay white, tapos may kahalo ring kulay red, dugo na pala yun. nakatingin ako sa salamin. sabi ko 'ang pangit... ng pimple ko at ako', di ko na kaya toh! kelangan ka nang matanggal sa mukha ko! kaya pinakawalan ko ang sarili ko sa pagkakatali ng kamay ko at buong sarap na kinamot ang bagong pisang pimple ko. ANG SARAP MAGKAMOT NG DUMUDUGONG PIMPLE!!!

kaya ngayon, nakaharap ulit ako sa salamin, medyo naninibago sa pagkawala mo. akalain ko bang ma mimiss kita?